You know you’re a single, adult male who needs to invest in a sports club/new hobby/girlfriend when one or more of the following things occurs…

I. You have a pet that you talk to

II. You consider this pet a part of the human race (or at least include them in conversation as such), and expect them to reason.

III. The highlight of your evening is a dessert food

IV. You equate this dessert food to a vocation or life calling.

The chief and most pathetic culmination of these above examples can be seen in the following statement…

“Gipper, we’re not stopping for potty breaks or to smell things anymore. We’re men on a mission! And that mission: is ice cream!!”

There are six things the weary traveler abhors; a seatbelt that presses on his full bladder, a safety sign that keeps that seatbelt on, the unwatching eyes of a stewardess to see him writhing in pain, inattentive neighbors that won’t allow him to leave his seat once the safety sign is finally turned off, an available restroom for only first class passengers, and a slow moving beverage kart impeding him from reaching his.

The Proverbs of Reagan 22:9

I know that automatic toilets are supposed to make life easier. God knows that I hate walking in on an unflushed toilet.

But at the same time, they seem slightly maniacal. You pull out a liner, get it situated the way you want, and right before you sit down it flushes. Or you’re sitting there, notice your shoe’s untied and when you bend over to tie it you almost get sucked down the sewer by a jet-propelled flush.

Am I the only one that has this happen to them? Maybe my theory of maniacal mechanics is completely unfounded, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they all think before robots take over the world. I’ve watched all of the Matrices (yes, that’s how you spell it) and the Terminators, so I practically have a doctorate in robot hostil relations.

You know, the one where I had all of the things written down that I was going to do once I moved out “and no one was going to stop me”? That list isn’t as cool anymore.

1. Stay up all night - Let me say that I have stayed up all night a grand total of 3 times out of my 8,276 nights on this planet, and every time I’ve been miserable for the next WEEK. I’m not doing that…intentionally anyway.

2. Jump on the bed - Must I? In case you skipped the first item, I absolutely love my sleep. I’m not jumping on one of my most prized possessions with all 157 lbs of myself. Plus my ceilings are low.

3. Eat whatever I want - Tried that. It worked pretty well for 19 years, and then something must have happened to my magnificent metabolism. I’ve been meaning to trade it in, but until I do I’m making sure that I really couldn’t break my bed if I decided to practice item two.

4. Buy myself anything I wanted - Boy was I naive. I think with my current income at the age when I added this item to my list I COULD have bought everything that I wanted, but my taste got more expensive.

5. Never have to do chores - Again, what a silly, silly child I was. I would be glad to do only the chores that I had growing up instead of ALL of them.

6. Take myself to see rated R movies - This one’s been checked of since I was 18 years old…big whoop. I don’t really go to the movies that much and I don’t like going by myself.

7. Own my own dog - Okay! There’s two out of seven. Living the dream and #winning.

8. Learn to breakdance - I watched 8 Mile (R rated movie *check*), I know what happens to white people when they’re the minority in an area of talent…I’ll pass. Plus I have back problems.

9. Own a sports car - This is actually one of the things that I still have on a list. It’s called a bucket list, and I hope to check the things off of it before I die…this particular item might just squeak under the wire when I’m 65 and retired. Here’s hoping for 3 out of 9…

10. Marry Hillary Duff - Crossed out due to young, hormonal stupidity.

If you somehow have a time machine back in 1995 (which I’m pretty sure I would remember), and can read this, I’m sorry I let you down 7 year old me.

Peace out,

The Future You

Sings like…

Sara Bareilles

Plays like…

Maria Sharapova

Cooks like…

Gadia De Laurentiis

and looks like…

Andrea Anders

If you meet her before I do, PLEASE give her my phone number!!!

Wedding Reception (Taken with Instagram at Altadena Town and Country Club)

I took this of him the other day at the pier. (Taken with instagram)

that I learned in my kitchen today.

1. It is impossible extremely difficult to make Tuna Salad without a mixing bowl. I didn’t have the patience or foresight necessary to buy one before this task, but now I wish that I had.

(I was tempted to take a picture of the carnage, but decided against it due to A) my love for this meal B) my love for all of you C) because I wish to remove it from my memory.)

2. You must actually chop the onions and pickles before you place them in a chopper to be chopped. Unless you want what once was a slice of onion to be a series of pulpy white and purple mush rings.

(This has always been my experience with cooking. You buy gadgets to eliminate work, but they actually still require help to perform their task. A chief example of this would be the dishwasher. You wash the dishes before you put them in there unless you want dried, ugly food chunks sticking to your plates. But why not just wash them by hand anyway?)

3. Like all walks of life, hard work, patience (even when ignored for going out and buying the proper tools), tenacity, ingenuity, and a little bit of desperation mixed with tears in the kitchen yield glorious results.

Bon Appetit!

A thoroughly dead Monkey: his job is done for the day. Must be tough to be a dog. (Taken with instagram)

I was cleaning my kitchen today and noticed that my brand new spatula is already falling apart…then of course this popped into my head.